Basically a Journal Entry.

I've been thinking a lot about people haunting me. Not in the ghostly, paranormal way (although I often think about that too. Potential blog post?), but more so having effects in my life even when they are no longer part of it or at least should be a very irrelevant part of it. I've been thinking about how my past (although maybe they're also a little bit current...) relationships with people have been affecting the way I approach things. The way I think about things and my current fixations have been greatly influenced by people who should no longer hold any bearing on my life but unfortunately they still do. One circumstance I had with someone has lead me to behave somewhat like a mad man. Acting out. Spending hours fixating and frantically researching psychology of people and why sometimes people act so outlandishly. Taking notes in the hopes to better understand why they act the way they do. Almost to justify their actions so I can empathise and move on. This is something I do with a lot of people. It doesn't usually go so far as to researching psychology journals to better understand them, but I do sort of analyse people a lot. Try to understand why they are the way they are. Try to find excuses to their behaviours. I analyse my own reactions and attitudes towards things in an attempt to rationalise how I feel. I can't seem to just let myself feel how I feel. I can't seem to allow myself that privilege. I can only let myself feel something, particularly if its negative, if its logical. (Except for my dislike of this one person I went to school with which is simply just because I find them slightly rude...anyways).

This example is just one of a few. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing some game of twister and stretching myself thin trying to fit in the new perspectives and lessons I've learned from all these people who are, in a way, haunting me. I think of these people often. Every time I interact with someone new, all I can think about is these people and the lessons and new (usually negative) attributes they have given to me. I think I feel that way because some of these new attributes go against who I want to be. Who I think I am at my core. Its sort of a battle in my head between these new attributes, which could mostly be seen as defence mechanisms, and who I am by nature.

NEW TOPIC! I was in West Cork today. Most beautiful place on earth in my opinion. For those who may not know, my dad is from there. I have so much genuine love for West Cork and I always feel very at peace and reset when I'm there. Ever since I was little I've had so much love for it. My dad's close friends and some of my uncles say that West Cork will have me when I'm older as its pretty well known that I love it there and would live there in a heartbeat if I could. Dad and I often talk about our love for West Cork. He has such a big and pure and genuine love for the place. It's his home and nowhere else can compare. Today when we were there, I felt so much guilt that he had to give it up. We were in Glandore and I was just thinking "How could you ever give this place up?". Especially when you've been fortunate enough to have as many good experiences there and have developed such a love for it as my dad has. I think he is at his happiest when he's there and it pains me that he only gets to be there for two weeks of the year. I see him looking at houses down there and sites and old ruined wrecks and dreaming of all the things he could do with them if he had the money. He often takes close proximity to pubs into consideration. He consistently fantasises about having a place of his own down there and finally being at home again. It gives me such a sinking heart feeling to think that he will never live there again. That he wont be close to his best friends and family. That he'll only see them a couple times a year. It's a lot to give up only to live in a place where you don't know many people and that doesn't have much to offer. You live there purely out of convenience. You give up love just for convenience.

Anywho, those are recent activities and thoughts! Sorry for the inactivity my babies it was exam season. One perk about probably failing an exam is that I have an excuse to escape to Cork for a day or two. I plan to seek refuge at BOC's new summer crib. Always try to look on the bright side if you can my friends! Once again this is probably not very coherent. I do be just rambling my thoughts. Also haven't journaled last few days because I've been BUSY! So this basically is my journal entry so my thoughts are probably very scrambled and not fully formed. Apologies. Love you guys.